A Community of Men in the Process of Initiation

“For 95 percent of human history, boys weren’t launched out into adulthood, they were welcomed into it, into a lifelong support network that would work to ensure their contribution would be a good one.”  Steve Biddulph (Australian Psychologist & Author)

“A boy becomes a man only through the active intervention of his father and the fellowship of men.”  John Eldredge (Author)

John Eldredge in his book “The Way of the Wild Heart”, goes on to say… “Far too much has fallen on the shoulders of the Father alone. It takes a company of men to bring a boy into the masculine world, and to bring young men along in their maturity.”

I’ve felt the weight of that burden myself over the years. Why? Because too few men today experience real community with other men. Most men have male acquaintances… guys they work alongside of… guys they share a drink with socially… but very few actually ever experience real friendships with other men, who share a common purpose, larger than themselves, like initiating this generation of boys into authentic manhood.

But I have been extremely proactive over the last decade to ensure my sons would be able to have other good, masculine influences to draw upon, and be mentored by… men who have skills, gifts, talents, and abilities that I myself lack. But none of that has come easy. I have had to selectively seek out other men, to offer them a vision worth pursuing, to inspire them, to lead them, to serve them, and in some cases, actually mentor and father them.

Together as a band-of-brothers, we have experienced adventures… with, and without ours sons present. We have invited them and involved them, in our missions to various communities where we’ve helped men to establish band of brothers themselves. And we have affirmed, validated, and played a part in initiating one another’s sons. You can read about part of my eldest son Brandon’s journey here, and part of my second eldest son Isaac’s journey here. All of my sons know… what too few kids do these days… that they have men, other than Dad, who love them, who have invested into them, and who are there for them… no matter what!

So Dad, if you want your boy to one day be a real man, then you too must be intentional in enlisting other men, and establishing a community of men of your own. You’ll have to fight to find them, and you’ll have to fight to keep them, but it is worth it!

One of the things that I love about our 5 Night Father-Son Adventures , is that a community of men are brought together from all over Australia, and the world, for a single purpose, to ensure the success of a great mission… to initiate our sons. You can register for our next 5 Night Father-Son Adventure here… http://www.fatheringadventures.com.au/5_night_father_son_adventures.php .

You can see some photographs and read the testimonials from the fathers and the sons, from one of our recent 5 Night Father-Son Adventures here… http://fatheringadventures.squarespace.com/blog/2011/7/13/inside-one-of-our-5-night-father-son-adventures.html .

So how about you? Were you as a boy ever invited into a community of men by your father or another man? And what about now? Have you made it a priority to be a part of a community of men… to find, or establish one yourself, for yourself, and for you to invite and welcome your sons into when they enter their teenage years?

Being named "2011 Queensland Father of the Year"

Last Wednesday (August 31st), my family (with the exception of my eldest son Brandon who was sitting his QCS exams) and I flew to Brisbane in preparation for a formal luncheon the next day at the Greek Club, where the "2011 Queensland Father of the Year", hosted by SU QLD, was to be named.

The function room was filled with incredible men and their families. It was such an honour to be simply seated amongst them there.

Everything provided was done so in excellence. The MC's engaging stories and segways, the talent and giftedness of the beautiful vocalist, the rawness and realness of the guest speaker, the quality of the meal and dessert, the eloquence and sophistication of the SU QLD CEO Tim Mander. I was suitably impressed.

What impressed me so greatly actually, was the lengths that the SU QLD staff and their sponsors and supporters went to, to honour and celebrate fatherhood, and the essential role that fathers are required to live out in our society.

And then came the announcement. The name Tim Mander read out was mine. I couldn't believe it. I didn't know what to do... whether to simply stand to the rousing applause, or to join him on stage to accept the award. I was in shock... struck by the disbelief that I had been chosen, from so many fine men and fathers who had been nominated, both at regional and State levels. I love what my younget son Theo had to say... "I knew it was you Dad. As soon as he said "Darren"... I knew it was you". I loved hearing his innocent, honest, and optimistic words.

About the only stain on such a sensational day, came when I saw the news report, where my Dad had been referred to as an "abusive" father. I guess in the truest form of the word, he was "abusive". But I did not and do not dishonour him and his memory in that way. His alcoholism, and the behaviours that came out of that, were not the truest part of him. He himself had been a wounded boy, who had never received the help and healing he required to be a good husband and father. I forgave my Dad a long time ago... I have been healed, and our relationship prior to his passing back in August 2004, was also restored.



Thank you to all who nominated me, and all who have supported and encouraged me along the way. My desire is to continue to show myself as a worthy recipient of the Queensland Father of the Year award... in 2011 and beyond.

A Dad’s Role in the Process of Initiation

“There’s a saying in the South: ”No man is a man until his father tells him he is.””  Burt Reynolds  (Actor)

“The glory of sons are their fathers.”  King Solomon

Hollywood Actor Burt Reynolds, was widely viewed in the 1970s and early 1980s as the quintessential man. Appearing in over 50 movies, I remember Burt Reynolds from his roles in the “Smokey and the Bandit” and “Cannonball Run” movies, and their subsequent sequels. Almost every man at the time wanted to be just like Burt Reynolds… an action man and sex symbol.

Yet few were aware that he was just like the rest of us men… acting and pretending… hiding behind a persona that we men typically tend to create for ourselves… of what we believe society requires a man to be and do. It wasn’t until an interview with Dotson Rader in 1992, at the age of 56 years, that the truth of this in Burt Reynolds’ life was revealed. This is what he had to say…

“There’s a saying in the South: “No man is a man until his father tells him he is.” It means that someday when you’re 30 or 40, grown up, this man – whom you respect and love and want to love you – puts his arms around you and says, “You know, you’re a man now, and you don’t have to do crazy things and get into fistfights and all that to defend the honour of men. You don’t have to prove anything. You’re a man, and I love you.” We never hugged, we never kissed, we never said, “I love you”. No, we never cried.” After pausing for a moment, Reynolds went on to add… “So what happened was that I was desperately looking for someone who’d say, “You’re grown up, and I approve and love you, and you don’t have to do these things anymore.” I was lost inside. I couldn’t connect. I was incomplete. I didn’t know then what I needed to know.”

Those descriptions… “lost inside”, unable to “connect”, “incomplete”, and not knowing what I need to know… are what I see and hear in the stories of the majority of men today… or at least those who are willing and courageous enough to be real. And I have to agree with Burt Reynolds as to why that is the case… because most men today are for the most-part, “unfathered”. You see I believe that the word father is most appropriately used as a verb, rather than a noun. As Author Kent Nerburn said… “It is much easier to become a father than to be one.” A boy and or young man needs a father… his Dad, or significant male other (Uncle, Grandfather, mentor, coach, teacher, Pastor etc.) to bestow masculinity upon him… to guide him along the path of authentic manhood… to love him, to affirm and bless him, to offer practical training and instruction, and when the time is right… to call him out of boyhood, and up and into authentic manhood.

Of course many Dads today feel like they don’t have what it takes to offer this to their sons, predominantly because they themselves didn’t receive what they needed to receive from their own Dads. We at ‘Fathering Adventures’ equip, enable, and empower Dads to do this, and to do it well. It is for that reason we designed and deliver our 5 Night Father-Son Adventures . You can register for our next 5 Night Father-Son Adventure (September 24-29, 2011), or one of the others planned for 2012 here… http://www.fatheringadventures.com.au/5_night_father_son_adventures.php .

You can see some photographs and read the testimonials from the fathers and the sons, from one of our previous 5 Night Father-Son Adventures here… http://fatheringadventures.squarespace.com/blog/2011/7/13/inside-one-of-our-5-night-father-son-adventures.html .

So how about you? Did you have a “father” who knew what you needed and provided it for you? If so, please take the time to honour him, and his efforts, here. If you didn’t… sadly you’re not alone. Would you have liked to have had a “father” who did? Do you intend to do things differently?

And a Happy Fathers Day for this Sunday to all of you Dads here in Australia. Well done for making your kids and your relationships with them such a high priority.

The Process of Initiation – from Boyhood to Manhood

“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.”  St Paul

“In many tribal cultures, it is said that if boys were not initiated into manhood, if they were not shaped by the skills and love of elders, then they would destroy the culture. If the fires that innately burn inside youths are not intentionally and lovingly added to the hearth of community, they will burn down the structures of culture, just to feel the warmth.”  Michael Meade  (Author)

Why are really alive and mature men so rare today? Steve Biddulph (Australian Psychologist and author) in his most recent book, “The New Manhood”, provides the answer. Because the majority of boys and young men today are not guided through “a carefully managed process” of initiation… something that all cultures offered in some form, prior to the commencement of the Industrial Revolution 300 years ago.

In Australia, the prison population is made up predominantly of men. As at 30 June 2005, 93.2% of prisoners in Australia were men. It is men who commit the overwhelming majority of sex crimes, serious motoring offences, burglaries, robberies, and violent assaults etc. Why might that be? I believe that Michael Meade has already provided the answer… because boys in our culture are not “initiated into manhood”.

So what then should a process of masculine initiation include?

1. Dad, or a significant male other (Uncle, Grandfather, mentor, coach, teacher, Pastor etc.)
2. A fellowship (community) of men
3. Training & Instruction
4. Testing and challenging in the outdoors… adventure
5. An Initiation Ceremony

Over the next series of weeks / months, I will expand upon each of the above ingredients that every masculine initiation should incorporate.

Our 5 Night Father-Son Adventures have been designed, and are delivered, to provide Dads with each of those essential ingredients to ensure that their sons are initiated into authentic manhood. You can register for one of our upcoming 5 Night Father-Son Adventures  here… http://www.fatheringadventures.com.au/5_night_father_son_adventures.php .

You can see some photographs and read the testimonials from the fathers and the sons, from one of our previous 5 Night Father-Son Adventures here… http://fatheringadventures.squarespace.com/blog/2011/7/13/inside-one-of-our-5-night-father-son-adventures.html .

You can watch a short video in the form of a movie trailer, of what you can expect from one of our 5 Night Father-Son Adventures... here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6y_hM88u3ag .

I’m eager to read stories here from those Dads who have initiated their sons into manhood? What did that process mean to you? What did the process mean to your son?

Dads and Daughters

“If I sat here for three or four weeks, I could not adequately describe just how important the father / daughter relationship is.”  (Dr James Dobson - Psychologist & Author)

Our inaugural Father-Daughter Adventure Weekend on Magnetic Island was a resounding success. A father's role in the life of his son is essential, and it is no less essential in the life of his daughter. Ten (10) other fathers discovered that to be true first hand last weekend (July 29-31, 2011). I'm continually amazed by the fruit of what we offer after just one weekend with up to a dozen father-son pairs, and I am no less amazed by the fruit of last weekend's Father-Daughter Adventure Weekend. I'm already looking forward to our next Father-Daughter Adventure Weekend... this time in South-East Queensland... Mount Tamborine in fact... between October 7-9, 2011. Although we'll have a different venue, and a different outdoor activity, we still expect the relationships of those who join us to be significantly enriched. And that's what's needed.

Anyhow, enough from me, what did the daughters and the fathers have to say at the end of their weekend? Continue reading... all the way until the end...

Feedback from the daughters…

“This weekend meant the world to me. I finally feel loved. It has been a great experience, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I also loved sea kayaking with Uncle Darren. It was good fun and great exercise.”  (Lauren – Age 13 – Townsville)

“This weekend has given me so much time to spend with my Dad. We have been able to talk about things that he does well, and things he can do better. We have gotten to achieve things together, and understand each other more. The kayaking was very memorable, and I will be able to tell many people about the feelings and emotions I felt during the experience. This adventure ended too quickly. I could easily stay for a whole week in this wonderful place.”  (Amaia – Age 12 – Cairns)

“Spending time with my Dad has been great, and it’s been great to meet new people, and doing the activities has been really fun.”  (Carmel-Renee – Age 12 – Melbourne)

“This weekend has meant that my Dad and I became closer and understand each other. Doing activities together has made us see what each other likes and dislikes. I think my Dad and I have learned to see each other in a special way, without anybody to get in the way; a weekend alone together. My favourite memory from the weekend will probably be kayaking with my Dad, because it was challenging and fun. It was really special for me to do something really cool with Dad. I will also remember my Dad’s special words to me on Saturday night.”  (Alexandra – Age 12 – Townsville)

“This weekend was good quality time with my Dad. I enjoyed the bonding time the most. My favourite memory from the weekend was sailing with my Dad on the catamaran. I would have liked the weekend to have been longer, to have had even more bonding time with Dad .”  (Zoe – Age 12 – Townsville)

“This weekend was a new start to Dad and I, and a great time with Dad. I loved meeting new friends, and I loved abseiling. I wish we could have stayed for a whole week.”  (Keely – Age 10 – Townsville)

“This weekend has shown me that I should always hang out with my Dad, because he is really cool. I really loved the kayaking, because every time I had a rest, he would keep paddling for me and talking to me. It was the awesomest weekend.”  (Belicia – Age 9 – Townsville)

“Hanging out with my Daddy has been a wonderful adventure. I really loved kayaking with my Dad and other Dads and daughters, and playing and swimming in the water.”  (Jodie – Age 9 – Cairns)

“This weekend has made me happy. I loved the kayaking, and I loved it when Dad spoke special words to me on Saturday night. It made me feel happy, and I loved just being alone with Dad.”  (Alana – Age 8 – Townsville)

“This weekend was so fun, so nice, and so cool. I really loved kayaking.”  (Hannelore – Age 8 – Townsville)

“I loved time with my Dad alone. I definitely loved Tennis and kayaking in the sea.”  (Erin – Age 8 – Townsville)

Feedback from the Dads…

“This weekend has meant EVERYTHING to me. That I took the time to be there for my Princess, just her. Doing all the things she wanted to do, even when my body was telling me to have a rest. The look and hugs I received from her were like a precious pearl. A couple of my favourite memories from the weekend were...

1.       When my daughter turned her head sideways in the kayak and said “Dad I love you”, and

2.       When we arrived at the beach and the very first thing she did was to write in the sand, “Dad I love you – You are the best”. I will send you the photo .””

(Detlef – Age 60 – Townsville)

“Wow, I knew it was going to be good, just from the phone and email correspondence before the Adventure Weekend. But this weekend exceeded my expectations. You and Melissa have a gift. I would love every Dad to experience what you provide from your hearts. Such simple but powerful truths and messages. I was meant to come... I knew I needed it... but there is little of this form of communication available. I admire you both, and my daughter and I will forever remember the gift you gave us on Magnetic Island. I hope to hear of your future endeavours, and Darren & Melissa, “You have what it takes”. My favourite memories from this weekend will be...

1.       Affirming my daughter – the first, but not the last time! And

2.       Being affirmed by Darren – first time ever – felt strange, but wonderous – thanks!

I loved it all. I learnt so much about my daughter, but probably more about myself.  (Joe – Age 49 – Cairns)

“This weekend has meant everything to me... to spend quality time with my daughter, and to build a stronger relationship with her. Moving forward, we will look back with a memory. My favourite memory was my one-on-one time with my daughter sailing, and getting an insight of what she is currently thinking and feeling. I learnt this weekend how to be a better Dad, and the needs of every child.”  (Craig – Age 43 – Townsville)

“This weekend has been a time to concentrate on my relationship with my daughter. To focus on the things I can improve on in my efforts to be the best Dad I can be. My favourite memory will be walking / hiking with my daughter, and taking photos together, especially of a koala in a gum tree. This weekend I learnt that “the three A’s” are not just for my daughter, but I will be taking them home to offer my wife also.”  (Ivan – Age 42 – Townsville)

“This weekend has provided me with the ability to spend quality time with my daughter without outside influences affecting what we wanted to do together. I loved telling my daughter how much I loved her and how proud I was of her, and I loved teaching her how to play tennis. The weekend was brilliant, and I will be back with my son when he is old enough.”  (Shaun – Age 42 – Townsville)

“My daughter and I have a very similar personality... not the most open or expressive. Therefore, this weekend has given me the opportunity to show her what is inside of me, so that she could do the same. My favourite memory was walking along the beach with her... chatting about her, and telling her how proud I am of her.”  (Tony – Age 41 – Melbourne)

“It’s been great to spend time with my daughter. Sea kayaking was a blast. I learnt this weekend that my daughter needs more time with me.”  (Trevor – Age 40 – Townsville)

“This weekend has been...

1.       A great time with my daughter,

2.       Given me great ideas to further our loving relationship e.g. how to best affirm her,

3.       A wonderful environment to be in with other dedicated Dads and their daughters, and

4.       All of the girls were so friendly, and all enjoyed each other’s company.

My favourite memories from this weekend are...

1.       Asking my daughter the 3 questions we were encouraged to ask, and listening to her responses,

2.       Affirming my daughter in the way she needed me to, and

3.       My daughter telling the kayaking guide that he talked too much.

What I learnt most this weekend was the power of affirmation, and why I need to do it more often.”  (Colin – Age 38 – Cairns)

“This was what I needed to start going after my girl, and not look back.”  (Keith – Age 37 – Townsville)

“I have absolutely loved being able to share quality time one-on-one time with my daughter. She is growing up so quickly, that I want to make sure the limited time I have with her is special. My favourite memory was seeing the confidence she exudes and being able to reflect on memories and experiences we have shared together. I have learnt to always offer my affirmation, attention, and affection to my daughter... forever, and to continue to be courageous and ask the hard questions.”  (Ben – Age 35 – Townsville)